Guilty
by kdzl
Summary: He had been happy for her, happy and a little jealous.  Now, being guilty of a small pang of jealousy would haunt him for the rest of his life.  JJ/Will


**Author's Note:** I'll get to updating older stories later, but here is something that's been rumbling around on my laptop for a while. It goes a little against my normal story setup (i.e. sad start to happy ending), in fact it's just about backwards.

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><p>At the end of a long Saturday soccer game, JJ wiped away the small beads of sweat that had begun to form along her brow, fighting down the sudden fleeting wave of nausea that arose as she stood while Jack and Henry ran toward their waiting parents.<p>

"Didjya see me mom?" He asked excitedly. "Didjya see?"

Will placed his hand carefully along the small of her back, silently warning her against lifting up her happy five year old.

She had to be conscious of the small tender life growing inside her.

So instead of lifting up her young son in a proud hug as she would have done only two months ago, she crouched down and embraced him tightly. "I did. You were amazing."

"Henry said we're going for ice cream." Jack announced excitedly, pulling Hotch gently toward JJ's small family. "Right Henry?"

Hotch offered Will an apologetic smile while JJ stood. "I'm sure JJ and Will have better things to do with their Saturday night—"

"But Dad, you _promised._" Henry cried, shocked at the prospect that an ice cream trip could be so easily forgotten.

"I did." Will laughed, ruffling his son's hair as he shot a slightly worried glance toward JJ. "How do you feel about ice—" The slightly green look that crept up her cheeks stopped him in an instant. Turning back to Henry, he crouched down to meet his son's eyes. "I'm sorry Buddy, maybe we can do it later."

Hotch frowned as he watched the interaction between the small family. He knew the look Henry was now giving his father, the devastated child looking up at his dad with betrayal.

But he had seen the look JJ had given Will before too.

The words were out of his mouth in a fraction of a second, knowing all too well how much it hurt to be a father that couldn't keep his promises. "Why don't I take JJ home and you can take the boys out for ice cream?" He offered, not willing to let another father experience the pang of letting his son down.

Fathers had to stick together.

Will looked up at him with unmasked gratitude, "You sure?"

"Absolutely." Hotch smiled, mentally preparing himself for any future cases that he might be able to put JJ in positions where she wouldn't be in danger.

She'd kill him if she knew he were doing it on purpose, but even if she was still in the field, he could still protect her.

He had to.

"Thank you." JJ sighed with relief after they bid the others goodbye and slowly trekked toward Hotch's Sienna. "I must have sat out in the sun too long." She smiled, a hint of self-deprecating rebuke in her own voice though Hotch knew it was a little white lie to preserve her secret.

And for now, he was willing to let her have this obviously still fresh development. "It is my pleasure." He smiled, grinning more broadly as relief washed over her eyes.

He remembered what this joy was like.

He was happy that she got to go through it again.

Happy, and a little jealous.

The job had stolen everything from him. His marriage, his sense of security.

Sometimes he wondered if it was even going to steal his son.

"I still can't believe you have a _Swagger Wagon._" She teased lightly, bumping up against him gently as he stepped to the other side of the car.

He unlocked the car and smiled easily as he pulled the door open, pausing briefly as he fumbled with his keys. "What can I say? I'm a family man." He quipped, longing for the peaceful semblance of family that had been sorely lacking.

He couldn't be jealous over what JJ had managed to preserve.

He would just have to keep reminding himself of that.

* * *

><p>Ironically, it was his attempt at keeping her safe that ultimately put her in harm's way only a few days later.<p>

And for that, he just might never forgive himself.

Because in the dark still of the night, the thing that would haunt him for the rest of his life would be the memory of the pang of jealousy he had tried to keep at bay.

Had he tried hard enough?

Or had the jealousy managed to seep through?

Regardless—he closed his eyes as he thought about it, disgusted as he sat in the cold hard chair of the hospital room—he alone was responsible.

"You couldn't have known Peters was the UnSub. We thought he was a victim." Rossi assured, watching Hotch closely. "Everybody followed protocol and because of that, JJ's walking out alive."

"But injured." Morgan spat, obviously uncomfortable with what he had been forced to do.

Forced to tackle JJ harshly to the ground as a sniper took out the man who had held her at knife point, likely ending in a broken rib for his friend.

Hotch glanced over to Morgan, debating whether he should tell him what only the Unit Chief knew.

JJ's routine checkup had turned into a hospital admittance because of the secret she was desperately trying to hide.

The secret that would haunt him throughout eternity.

Today, he was responsible for the death of an innocent life.

"You did what you had to." Emily assured from the seat next to Morgan, feeling as she assumed the others were as well, that they were becoming far too accustomed to the cold uninviting hospital waiting rooms. "She's got a concussion, I'm sure she'd rather have that than the alternative."

God willing, they would never have to visit one again.

Hotch cleared his throat, the placating words of ill-informed friends making his guilt only deepen. "Rossi, Will is coming in to stay with JJ. The rest of us should get some sleep so we can head back to D.C. tomorrow." He ordered, the finality in his tone leaving little room for argument.

"But what about JJ?" Garcia asked, somewhat surprised at having been dismissed so easily.

Something was going on with Hotch and when he was in this mood she usually just ducked her head and did what he said.

But she wasn't about to abandon JJ.

Hotch's reaction was enough to make them all pause, but the intensity behind his words made them all obey implicitly. "I won't leave until Will gets here." He stated, his voice cracking slightly.

He never would leave one of his people behind.

* * *

><p>As she came back to consciousness, JJ whimpered, her body encompassed with a sharp cramp in her abdomen dulled only slightly by the light medication now coursing through her veins.<p>

She didn't even have the presence of mind to feign sleep as the pain inside informed her of the horrific reality.

"JJ?" She heard Hotch ask gently, his voice dripping with concern as he watched from her bedside. She turned away from him, curling into herself as she tried to make the pain in her heart go away.

To make him and everything else go away.

Because she just couldn't deal with anyone yet.

She physically could not deal with the man sitting beside her—she should have told him, she should have pulled herself out of the field.

But she couldn't deal with that guilt yet.

Or really, anything at all. Everything—the only thing—that mattered in this world no longer existed. It was as if her entire brain shut down, turning inward as it focused on what was now missing. The life it was now lacking. She knew what had happened to her and she had been powerless to stop it.

A trained FBI Agent and she couldn't even protect the growing child inside of her.

What kind of Agent did that make her?

What kind of mother did that make her?

While, if she could step back and take a moment to think rationally, she might be able to convince herself that it wasn't her fault and that she couldn't have stopped this if she tried.

A freak accident that no one could have stopped.

But the other part of her, the larger part by far, knew it would be better if she had died.

She already felt so empty.

So alone.

She had been certain, _positive_, that this baby was going to be a little girl, with her eyes and Will's chin with bright orange hair just like her older sister had.

But now it was over.

And she couldn't help her mind from wondering: was she scared? Did she hurt at all? Oh God…did she hurt?

She felt a sob escape from her, a primal cry that only a mother could offer.

This was her _baby._

"JJ," He started again, this time his voice dripping with concern as he watched her. He struggled to keep himself from reaching out to her, turning away to let JJ have this private moment of grief. "Will's on his way." He said softly, hoping that would be some sense of comfort. "I'm sending the others home to give the two of you time alone."

She nodded, trying to push away the thought of telling Will what she had lost. "The others?" She asked, her voice thick and scratchy as the weight of having the others know what happened descended on her heavily.

He shook his head. "I told them you were here for a concussion and that we had to get back." He explained, falling silent as she took that development in. "But I can—"

"No." She whispered, tears building in her eyes. "It's fine. Thank you." She turned and really looked at him, frowning as she saw the tired lines of worry etched along his face.

He sighed as he looked away from her searching glare, feeling wholly unworthy of her forgiveness or compassion.

"I—" She searched for the right word, somehow feeling compelled to offer him some words that might lessen the guilt he had obviously heaped upon himself.

She knew, the only person to blame was herself.

But she couldn't quite say she would be okay, nor could she say everything was alright.

Her baby was gone, nothing would really ever be the same again.

"I don't blame you." She settled on, knowing the man next to her well enough to know that was what he needed to hear.

And, honestly, it was the truth.

She only blamed herself.

Tears sprung to her eyes and pooled there as she thought of everything she could have done differently, everything she should have done differently.

How could she have let this happen?

In that moment, Hotch's heart shattered as she struggled to maintain her composure and he reached out to gently touch her hand while tears began streaming down her cheeks. He felt his own eyes burn as he tried not to add to her sorrow. He couldn't intrude, couldn't push himself on her in this intimate moment of utter turmoil. But he had to let her know that she was not alone.

He would never leave her alone.

This thing…this horrible awful thing…she should never have had to encounter it. But he had sent her into the worst pain imaginable.

It was all his fault.

He wasn't sure he could live with any more guilt, but for her he would have to.

For her, he would do just about anything.

She deserved that much.

And now, when JJ needed him most, when she desperately needed words of comfort that might offer solace to fix whatever horrible thing had just happened to her, he was blank.

She deserved better than this.

So rather than attempting to offer placating words that could only disappoint and fall short, he took a deep breath and offered the only words that mattered.

"I'm so very sorry."

They sat like that for a while, him gently holding her hand in a way that in any other circumstance would have made him uncomfortable while she silently let the tears fall until pure emotional exhaustion overtook her.

He waited until he was sure she had fallen asleep before sitting back.

He had forced himself to stay strong for her—the only thing he had left to give her.

But now, now he allowed himself a brief moment to let his emotions wash over him.

The guilt.

The horror from the whole situation.

All of it descended on him like a concrete slab heaped heavily on his shoulders.

And not even he could hold back the tears any longer as he repeated the words once more. "I'm so sorry."


End file.
